You never really have the controls.

When someone said, 'You are the one who controls yourself.', I was starting to have my doubts by time I finally realized my memories are clustered to pieces. I hardly remember most part, the only things to tell me was the pictures and the videos.

Funny how, our brain itself functions as a mechanism to protect yourself from the painful past. When someone said, what's done is done, clearly, even if I were to force myself to remember it, the chances my memories are altered are next to finite. I don't even bother about it anymore.

The only thing that bothers me is that, if someday I will forget these 4 years of my life- the years which brought me to a turning point, the year I actually made a decision to change my life.

Many has happened.

Until that time comes, when I will forget so many things, I will cherish it.

Blue Train

I'm at loss of words. Too many things to think about, losing faith in someone aches so much, deep inside my heart. I don't even know what to think and what to talk about...

No, rather, I don't want to think about anything at all.

What will happen in a few more months?

200 days and counting.

I remember writing a message on my class group in Facebook, telling them, we have 203 days to study at school together, as a classmate, in the same class until the end comes. Well, maybe we will have more. Considering the national exam will be held until the holiday as early as first November, yet we will be sitting in the hall, fidgeting about our future for every answer we wrote on that paper.

3 days has passed. And we all felt the heat.

As you count as the time ticks, it gets shorter. Well, it feels shorter. 

Perhaps this is what do you call as, "As the time ticks, it's better to count the seconds to remind you how time waits for no one."

January

If there is any song dedicated to how hellish January is, I'm willing to listen to it. As a matter of fact, it doesn't necessarily means it's hellish. I suppose I'm looking forward to how people think January is going to be hellish/good/amazing for them.

It's only the first day but I'm already feeling the heat.

I'm tired, physically, of some matters, and true, actually there are some things I want to avoid (but I'm feeling a bit fidgety about how everything is going to turn out as time passes by). but alas, I still wonder. I'm questioning my future, doubting my choices, wondering of the consequences. I'm worried. I'm tired, mentally. I'm uneasy. There's too many anxiety filling me in, and I want to vanquish all of it.

January is probably going to be good for me. By the end of the month, I will frantically searching for the lost hour. 2011 was okay. There were bittersweet memories I want to share with everyone, tell them, but at the same time, perhaps it's my own life lesson and not meant to be told. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," they said. So I'm keeping it in.

January is probably going to be okay. Everything is probably going to be okay.

New book and pages to be written.

And read by the end of the year. I meant by literally.

It's already 2012. I can still feel it when I was just a sophomore, slacking in classes and sleeping, playing truant, not turning in my books and, well, I was the stubborn bitch everyone hated. No matter how many times I told myself, they say the more you chant the more it become a reality, perhaps I'm still as fragile as I hoped not to be. There are times you contradicted yourself by saying, "I can do this!" as an assurance for your confidence, when in fact your heart is clouded with doubts.

2012 is the year where I will be judged. Perhaps being watched is not that terrible, but yet again, cries echoes in my ears. I don't know where shall I run to as I reach the fork of paths. Will going here be the solution? Will my dream come true? Last night made me thinking, if I told mom, "I want to take psychology, but Malaysia doesn't really support this course. Perhaps I should do my best for SPM and get scholarship and fly to Europe or America to get my education. If Malaysia still doesn't support this course for occupation, I'll just marry a rich man and become a housewife." would it become real? Life is not that simple where anything you wishes for will come true, despite the effort you put in. There are times it backfire as an experience, but then.

This is the time where no turning back is allowed. Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

And it made me thinking, again. Perhaps I should think of alternative courses for me to study. Psychology? Architecture? English? I have no intention to become a teacher, enslaved with such a system of where language is degraded. I'm not complaining about the education, I just find it unfair. Psychology? There's no guarantee I can get a job here in my own hometown. After all, no one need consultation about their personality, because "Nobody is perfect." Architecture is my last reserve, if not, I will just apply for 2D animation.

Life is not that simple.

Greetings, 2012. Let's make it memorable.

Betrayals and swords.

Ten of swords reminds you how people can stab you from the back by verbal and mass communication.

Optimism reminds you how you try to keep a positive image you have on people whether it's forced or coerced to submit.

Negativity reminds you how stupid you were and how stupid you still are.

If I am given a chance to talk to people without making them feeling guilty or extra conscious and defensive, I would have voiced out every single opinion I have of people. Not being judgmental, not being uncaring. Being generally kind, how stupid of me. Because obviously some people will just step on your head as a stepping stone.

"You need to stop being kind to everyone," those words echoed in my ears. My tears drop every single time I recall the things I've done not mutually felt by the other party. Foolishness. Selfishness.

Who is the selfish one? Them who asks for temporary comfort by me? Or me who seek for angelic image perceived by everyone else? Mask breaks, but so do heart. The more you reveal your heart, the more you realize how fragile you really are when exposed, bare for the naked eyes. Surely, things would go out of control and the least you could do is just to cry and weep silently over the outcome.

I'm tired.

This loneliness succumbs into me like a ravenous poison, spreading fast like a wild fire. I don't even know how to stop it from flowing deeper into every inches of my veins when for some reason I wish it existed to remind me of the world. The pain. The familiarity will make you immune of it.

Or so I wished.

Locking my heart? Mission accomplished.

Tenacious efforts leads to frustration.

Never in my life did I grow this frustrated. Meaning : Someone orders me what to do > I told them many times it's not working > insert-persistent-here > not fucking working > went to sleep in frustration > woke up with a bloody frustrated feeling.

Maybe it's the weather that is making me cranky, but honestly; I don't know. I'm tired of so many things, never did I grow so listless and weeps silently for real and screams in the room. Seriously. Anyway I bet I'm failing in 3-4 subjects but eh the list could go higher. I don't mind, really. Really. /tears

Playing Valkyrie Profile like a boss.