Betrayals and swords.

Ten of swords reminds you how people can stab you from the back by verbal and mass communication.

Optimism reminds you how you try to keep a positive image you have on people whether it's forced or coerced to submit.

Negativity reminds you how stupid you were and how stupid you still are.

If I am given a chance to talk to people without making them feeling guilty or extra conscious and defensive, I would have voiced out every single opinion I have of people. Not being judgmental, not being uncaring. Being generally kind, how stupid of me. Because obviously some people will just step on your head as a stepping stone.

"You need to stop being kind to everyone," those words echoed in my ears. My tears drop every single time I recall the things I've done not mutually felt by the other party. Foolishness. Selfishness.

Who is the selfish one? Them who asks for temporary comfort by me? Or me who seek for angelic image perceived by everyone else? Mask breaks, but so do heart. The more you reveal your heart, the more you realize how fragile you really are when exposed, bare for the naked eyes. Surely, things would go out of control and the least you could do is just to cry and weep silently over the outcome.

I'm tired.

This loneliness succumbs into me like a ravenous poison, spreading fast like a wild fire. I don't even know how to stop it from flowing deeper into every inches of my veins when for some reason I wish it existed to remind me of the world. The pain. The familiarity will make you immune of it.

Or so I wished.

Locking my heart? Mission accomplished.

Tenacious efforts leads to frustration.

Never in my life did I grow this frustrated. Meaning : Someone orders me what to do > I told them many times it's not working > insert-persistent-here > not fucking working > went to sleep in frustration > woke up with a bloody frustrated feeling.

Maybe it's the weather that is making me cranky, but honestly; I don't know. I'm tired of so many things, never did I grow so listless and weeps silently for real and screams in the room. Seriously. Anyway I bet I'm failing in 3-4 subjects but eh the list could go higher. I don't mind, really. Really. /tears

Playing Valkyrie Profile like a boss.

Of linear and non-linear messages.

I decided to change the look of my blog, again, because I felt like I needed something fresh and new for myself. A minimalist design, sure. I fancy those simple things but have this exotic feeling, but I have to admit, it's not really exotic. It's just plain. /stares in dismay

Despite all that, I've took a long break from blogging for too long. To the extend I felt that my English is deteriorating because of my lacking interest and time to blog, perhaps because I ran out of idea to talk about anything because no one actually listens to what people say. But then again, I always wrote things for myself so I'm always bothered by the fact that I am bothered by these tiny matters.

Anyway I'm just here to say the great great great great end of year holiday is coming near, hurrah hurrah. Time to throw a virtual confetti to anyone I know. As much as I plans to do things I like during holiday, I guess the thing I am bothering myself with the most is relearning Chemistry and Biology. I have my great unreliable premonition telling me that I will fail my Biology, Chemistry, Additional Mathematics and History paper. Although, this is only a presumption. God knows what is the result.

I've been looking for inspiration a lot lately- lmao no just kidding, I /tried/ to find some inspiration to draw/write/do artsy thing but alas, I'm having a serious mind block for my creativity. My brain knows when do I still have an 'unfinished business' (known as pending to-do-list and examination, that is) and it won't function properly until I have a decent mood.... a good time and complete list of equipments I need to do my thing. God.

I wish time will move faster for examination to end. But then, I wonder if I really want it to move at all.

P/S : I'm hungry.

P/P/S : I've never been this hungry before.

P/P/P/S : Not sure if hungry or just bored/sleepy.