First time.

For the first time, I hoped it was all just a dream.
For the first time, I was crushed just to hear about someone's loss.
For the first time, I was honored yet... I had no idea how to react.

For the people who had just lost a brother... I wish for both of you to be strong.
I'm sorry I couldn't do much, yet I wish for the greatest happiness for him in the afterlife.

Escaping reality.

Has it been that long? I have forsaken my blog when I bought a journal for myself to keep, but I didn't really have the time to write anything anymore. Not that I have stopped writing... Frankly speaking, I have no idea what do I write for anymore.

I told myself before I had to find a way to conceal my own memories. My thoughts. Into something which can remain for the longest time it could bear. Writing journal was one of the options, but I can't seem to properly sit down and write something of my own. A piece of my own mind.

I skipped one of the most important events in my life.

So many things happened, yet so little time to finish them all. People start a cause, yet I will have to do the overture.

Putting words in another person's mouth never ends well.

I have come to a realization in which, trusting others is like a double edged sword situation for me. I can either kill them with it, or I should just let myself be stabbed to death. Today taught me how people are not even close to trustworthy, despite all the kindness I've done.

Oddly speaking, the ones who did the most work says the less. But people tends to speculate the things, the contributions I've committed and all I wanted to do is to shake my head or shrugs.

Humble is always my middle name, but silent killer has always been known to only some people. 

Never play with a sleeping lion.

Pushing luck beyond limits.

This week is exhausting. I'm holding it in, to not cry, to not be angry, with an essence of optimism flowing free without boundaries. I'm trying, at the very least.

Despite people saying, when you are extremely strained with something, behavioral changes may occur.

I don't believe it's sufficient as an excuse, no.

It's as if saying, death will come soon anyway, what's the point of trying? People try because they believe it can make a change, that's why.

I would love to lash out everything I'm stressed over today, but no, I'm just too tired, and that would make me equivalent to those making me feel three times lower than a dirt.

I'm just tired.

What could be seen but could never be hold?

It is finally 7th of February. I don't anticipate the coming of February but wheel of time turns without hearing the please of the people. We're constantly running- I know. Now is not the time to have a good pace or to start the run- it's already the time to sprint.

It's just either the fact, whether, we still have the energy for the final sprint to reach the ending.

I could see the future, but whether I will be able to attain it or not, is an entirely different story.

Sigh.

Now I'm constantly complaining about how I don't have any time left for me to spend with leisure, without straining myself, my body, my mind. But I kept on constantly reminding myself, it's okay, the time will come when I can indulge myself doing things I want. Someday.

Teacher Syafiza suggested me to read Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Lawthorne, and I just managed to buy it yesterday. So far, all of the books I've bought are still unread up until today.

I'm waiting patiently.

Rolling Star

I saw the way you looked at the moon. It might be a trap I set just to see what really caught your mind, but perhaps looking at the moon was too cliche.

I saw your gaze. I saw everything yet I conceal them within me.

It was a sweet memory, but I didn't intend to proceed it this year. Nor do I prefer for it to latch onto me for too long, because I know every time you steal a glance to look at me, it causes a turmoil inside.

I'm sorry, but I decided to put an end to it, even though I might will betray my own heart.

It was a good 7 months for the memories to reside within me. Thank you for everything.

You never really have the controls.

When someone said, 'You are the one who controls yourself.', I was starting to have my doubts by time I finally realized my memories are clustered to pieces. I hardly remember most part, the only things to tell me was the pictures and the videos.

Funny how, our brain itself functions as a mechanism to protect yourself from the painful past. When someone said, what's done is done, clearly, even if I were to force myself to remember it, the chances my memories are altered are next to finite. I don't even bother about it anymore.

The only thing that bothers me is that, if someday I will forget these 4 years of my life- the years which brought me to a turning point, the year I actually made a decision to change my life.

Many has happened.

Until that time comes, when I will forget so many things, I will cherish it.

Blue Train

I'm at loss of words. Too many things to think about, losing faith in someone aches so much, deep inside my heart. I don't even know what to think and what to talk about...

No, rather, I don't want to think about anything at all.

What will happen in a few more months?

200 days and counting.

I remember writing a message on my class group in Facebook, telling them, we have 203 days to study at school together, as a classmate, in the same class until the end comes. Well, maybe we will have more. Considering the national exam will be held until the holiday as early as first November, yet we will be sitting in the hall, fidgeting about our future for every answer we wrote on that paper.

3 days has passed. And we all felt the heat.

As you count as the time ticks, it gets shorter. Well, it feels shorter. 

Perhaps this is what do you call as, "As the time ticks, it's better to count the seconds to remind you how time waits for no one."

January

If there is any song dedicated to how hellish January is, I'm willing to listen to it. As a matter of fact, it doesn't necessarily means it's hellish. I suppose I'm looking forward to how people think January is going to be hellish/good/amazing for them.

It's only the first day but I'm already feeling the heat.

I'm tired, physically, of some matters, and true, actually there are some things I want to avoid (but I'm feeling a bit fidgety about how everything is going to turn out as time passes by). but alas, I still wonder. I'm questioning my future, doubting my choices, wondering of the consequences. I'm worried. I'm tired, mentally. I'm uneasy. There's too many anxiety filling me in, and I want to vanquish all of it.

January is probably going to be good for me. By the end of the month, I will frantically searching for the lost hour. 2011 was okay. There were bittersweet memories I want to share with everyone, tell them, but at the same time, perhaps it's my own life lesson and not meant to be told. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," they said. So I'm keeping it in.

January is probably going to be okay. Everything is probably going to be okay.

New book and pages to be written.

And read by the end of the year. I meant by literally.

It's already 2012. I can still feel it when I was just a sophomore, slacking in classes and sleeping, playing truant, not turning in my books and, well, I was the stubborn bitch everyone hated. No matter how many times I told myself, they say the more you chant the more it become a reality, perhaps I'm still as fragile as I hoped not to be. There are times you contradicted yourself by saying, "I can do this!" as an assurance for your confidence, when in fact your heart is clouded with doubts.

2012 is the year where I will be judged. Perhaps being watched is not that terrible, but yet again, cries echoes in my ears. I don't know where shall I run to as I reach the fork of paths. Will going here be the solution? Will my dream come true? Last night made me thinking, if I told mom, "I want to take psychology, but Malaysia doesn't really support this course. Perhaps I should do my best for SPM and get scholarship and fly to Europe or America to get my education. If Malaysia still doesn't support this course for occupation, I'll just marry a rich man and become a housewife." would it become real? Life is not that simple where anything you wishes for will come true, despite the effort you put in. There are times it backfire as an experience, but then.

This is the time where no turning back is allowed. Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

And it made me thinking, again. Perhaps I should think of alternative courses for me to study. Psychology? Architecture? English? I have no intention to become a teacher, enslaved with such a system of where language is degraded. I'm not complaining about the education, I just find it unfair. Psychology? There's no guarantee I can get a job here in my own hometown. After all, no one need consultation about their personality, because "Nobody is perfect." Architecture is my last reserve, if not, I will just apply for 2D animation.

Life is not that simple.

Greetings, 2012. Let's make it memorable.